Do you talk to your kids with a negative tone or in negative terms? I never understood what speaking negative over your child meant until I met Dr. Mary Starr.
It is not that I did not realize when negative terms were used (too often in my family) but that just speaking Negative creates negativity. It does not promote productivity nor does it create positive feeling children.
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart and running (yes I can run with a cart in front of me) with my baby granddaughter. I was playing a game with her, stop and go. She was laughing and in that moment I heard such vile words coming from a young mother next to us. This mother was screaming at her child (approximately 2 years old). She told her over and over she was a naughty girl for crying in the store. The child wanted a sucker the Mom had purchased.
Now, I have my belief about when children learn patience and you probably have yours. What I know for sure is many, many adults do not have patience yet we expect it from a toddler. I have seen grown-ups opt for the "satisfy me now pay later" thought all too often (and yes I include myself in this group) Got to have it yesterday.
This mother told the little girl she was crying her ass off and no way would she get a sucker now. Then she told this same toddler, if you stop crying now, I will give the sucker to you. Talk about mixed messages (and language skills that are lacking).
But that is not my focus; my focus is on the tone, the words and the volume that mother used when speaking to her daughter. It was horrible and the only thing it promoted is a feeling a negativity within this child. I even felt like a shroud of negativity had blanketed McKenna and me.
There are better ways to address your child. • Keep your answers short and sweet • Praise often even little things. You will see the affects immediately • Use a normal speaking voice, raising it only enforces negativity • If possible get to their eye level and keep contact for focus • Stay on topic of what matters at that moment • Encourage them when they understand what you have explained • At times, repeat expectations and have child repeat back to you • Avoid negative words such as naughty, bad, spanking Focus on what they did right or good and if need be, explain what is unacceptable (for instance this mother could have said "you did a great job staying in the cart and letting Mommy get her shopping done. I know you really want a sucker but crying is not the way to get it. Maybe you could use your words, like please."
I know when parents are impatient or a child has been acting out it is difficult to "top, breathe and think about what you are going to say. But take a moment and try to use positive words even when correcting a child.
Children's egos are very fragile when they are so young and their identity is tied up in your reaction to them. If you do not think so, just ask a child to perform a trick or say something you want them to say. Watch their eyes light up when they get it right for you.
Patience and love are necessary when using positive reinforcement or positive speak with your child. Children mirror what they see and hear so do not surround them with negative actions and words.
Your child will thrive and be much more cooperative and productive if you focus on the positive. Let them know what they have done that is not acceptable in a more positive way and your child will have a more optimistic outlook on the world. Constructive appreciation is much more encouraging for all children.
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